EDICT Unit.

Trigger warning: this post will be about eating disorders and recovery, so it may be triggering to some!

I have suffered with an eating disorder my entire life. When things get too much I end up using it as my way of coping with things. 

When I was sixteen I had been clean from my eating disorder, then I met Karl and I continued to be clean of it until I lost my daughter in 2010. I relapsed, and then began relapsing and recovering on and off. Things weren't too bad, and I never relapsed too badly. 

This year I relapsed again, this time had been worse than I had relapsed in the past. I fast a lot of the time, and exercised excessively. I was loosing ridiculous amounts in a matter of days. I kept it secret and didn't tell anyone. I posted a lot on my original blog about it though, my best friend saw my blog and instantly became worried. She contacted Karl and my mum. Both Karl and my mum decided to take me to the doctors with or without my consent in order to get me help. I was so angry at them, I don't even know why, I look back now and in a sense I'm slightly relieved but it's a lot of confusing emotions.

I was referred to something called COPE which was basically a group therapy for people suffering with eating disorders but when the woman who ran it got in contact and found out my weight etc she told me I was too underweight to attend her therapy and said I needed more specialist care. 

I was then referred for a mental health assessment which resulted in me being told I'm close to being sectioned, an that I could start this eating disorder unit by my choice but if I chose not to then they would have no choice but to section me. I obviously took the option of the unit because I couldn't be without my son continuously for however long they kept me sectioned. I was referred from the assessment to the unit to have another mental health assessment and introduction to the unit. 

Hayley, the woman who runs the unit is lovely. She agreed that the unit would be best for me and that I should start as soon as so I agreed. 

I started the unit on Monday 7th October this year. I have to go five days a week at the moment and I start at 8:45am until 4pm. The unit is good, and I know deep down that it's helping its just hard to get my head around. The unit is a lot harder than I expected I guess, I kind of thought I would be able to get around a loving the things we do but without even realising they get into your head. 

We have loads of different group therapies we do that go across the week. We also have one to one key worker sessions. We have to eat breakfast and lunch every day under supervision and then we have to have two snacks during the day also under supervision. We aren't allowed to walk excessively. I have 'half portions' at the moment because I'm not used to eating amounts of food that big. Sometimes we go out for a snack too, I haven't yet as this is my first week. 

I have struggled a lot with it this first week, I've broke down a lot. I've cried a whole lot more. I began thinking that there was nothing wrong and that everyone was over thinking but since being there I've kind of started to realise there was something wrong because I'm finding it so hard to sit down all day and not just walk non stop, I find it so hard to eat and so on. 

I had a review on Thursday/Friday and I was hoping they would allow me to cut down my days even though it was only my first week, but I knew really they wouldn't. I was right, they won't even start to consider me cutting down the days I attend until I spend every day there for the next four weeks. 

I plan to get over this eating disorder, once and for all. I will get better, and at the moment this is the best way to do it even if I hate it and find it hard. I want to be able to chase Phoenix around all day. I want to be able to have my periods. I want to be able to have more children. I want to be able to have a healthy baby, pregnancy and labour. I want to be able to do all the things I can't do currently. I want to be able to love myself and my body. I want to be able to comfortable with myself. And although some of these are hard to be able to think I will ever be able to, eventually I will be. 

This is a long road a head and it is my journey but I will get there eventually for myself, for my family and for our lives. 

These are my starting pictures. This is how I look visually right now, this will be my motivation and I will post my progress. 

Wish me luck?..

Tantrums.

Tantrums have well and truly started. Phoenix has begun throwing tantrums over everything and anything. 

I have been dreading the official start of tantrums since the moment he was born. I've found myself worrying about how bad they will be and how we are going to be able to diffuse them. He would cry and all sorts occasionally and I have been questioning whether or not they had started, for a good few months, but looking back now I know they were not tantrums at all. This is the real thing. 

I've been researching, reading up on all sorts of ways to deal with them. I've spoken to fellow parents who have been through it or are going through it. I've found that everyone is different, and there are a thousand ways to deal with them.

I decided against 'smacking' or leaving them to it. I personally feel that tantrums are a cry out for the child's needs, they are a way of the child expressing their feelings. I find that with Phoenix it's often because he can't express his thoughts, needs and feelings because he is so young, and I know that is frustrating. So I don't think screaming and shouting, smacking/spanking, or leaving him to it is  fair at all, and I feel as if it is in a way 'neglecting' your child for his needs. This is however not me judging those who do use these ways of tantrum dealing. I understand its not always simple and easy to keep your 'cool' whilst your child throws a paddy. It's difficult to remember that they are just as frustrated as you are, and I understand not all of the ways to deal with tantrums work with very parent and child. 

We chose to take a more relaxed approach to tantrums. We found that being calm and speaking softly but assertively is what worked best with us. We often find that taking Phoenix out of the moment is very helpful. We will scoop him up or hold his hand an go and sit down somewhere quiet and I will talk to him like a person, not a baby or as of he is stupid. I will explain to him that mama does not understand what the problem is  and he needs to use his words or show mama what he wants. Sometimes we will take him to our 'quiet spot' and just sit and snuggle, and Phoenix will choose a book for us to read together. This helps to calm us both down and be able to take the frustration away from the situation at hand, after we have read the book we go back to the situation together and resolve it easier than we would have before. 

Often we will turn the tantrum into a game, making it playful. This helps us to forget the moment and becomes a great distraction. Laughter is the best medicine. 

We find that this is the easiest and most efficient way for us to deal with the situation. Especially with Phoenix being such an active and hyperactive child sometimes he needs to be brought out of the situation and be able to have a few moments of peace and calmness. 

Now as great as this technique is, it isn't always what works best with everyone. Sometimes I find myself frustrated and flustered with some of the tantrums. In these moments I need to ask Karl to take over and help because I find myself stressed and to the point that I could 'pull my hair out' or I will leave the room and give myself five minutes to calm down and relax in order to be able to deal with it appropriately without raising my voice at him. 

This isn't the simplest of things to do as me and Karl are two different people and have two different people. Although most of the time we agree and once we have explained our 'theories' to each other we find a happy medium that works for all of us. Sometimes I find that Karl will 'leave him to it' because he takes on the independence of Montessori quite literal. This isn't a regular thing though, thankfully. It's more of a 'last resort' thing when karl struggles with calming him down. 

These are some of a 'mid-tantrum'. The tantrum started because Phoenix didn't understand that he needed to have his nappy changed and get ready for story time/quiet time before bed. 

These are some pictures of our 'quiet time' to dissolve the tantrum. I scooped him up and sat him on my bed, I calmly explained that we needed to get ready for story time so that we can relax before we sleep in order to get a better nights ret and wake up even more refreshed the next day. He grizzled a little bit then said 'hugs' and clambered on to me and we snuggled. After this Phoenix went and chose his book and something to wear for bed. 

Problem solved, tantrum over!

Phoenix is 17 months old!

           Happy 17 Months Phoenix!

On the 28th September, Phoenix turned 17 months old. My little tiny baby is now a fully fledged toddler, that makes me happy and sad all at one time. 

He's growing so much and so fast, his intelligence is amazing and his physical development is brilliant. I find it hard to accept that he was once this tiny little baby in my stomach and now he's a walking, talking little person of his own.

He's learned a load of new words, and has started forming slight sentences. He understand most of what we say and ask him now too. Phoenix is a little monster at times but I would never change a single thing. 

Phoenix can now say over seventeen words, and he can connect these words to what they actually are too. He can count to five, and has started making me artwork masterpieces all over the house. So far they have appeared on walls, pillows, flooring, toys and his bed. 

Some of the words he can now say are; 

Mama

Daddy

Dad

Nan

Hiya

Bye

Morning

Yes 

No

Ta

Kitty 

Doggie

Oh dear

Oh no

Get down 

Baby

Cheers

Love you 

Hugs

(I can't think of the rest but there are also a few bad words he has said, we won't include those though!) 

His fave colour seems to be red. He loves to be outside with nature, he loves running, walking, jumping, hiding and playing chase. He's adores animals especially cats. He loves to be creative with drawing and painting etc. He loves anything that gives him adrenaline, so is often climbing and jumping off of things he shouldn't be. His fave program's are raa raa the noisy little lion, tinga tinga tales, 64 zoo lane, mr tumble and me blooms nursery. His fave movie is Despicable me. His fave foods are wotsits, roast dinners, Shepards/cottage pie, vegetables. His newest fave toybis cars, he's obsessed with them. He loves playing with all sorts of cars and toys and  his fave teddy is 'Jess' the cat. 

He's a very creative little monster, whether it be with drawing or music. He loves to dance, draw, paint, play with playdoh and so on. 

He doesn't enjoy having his nappies changed, eating fruit or not getting his own way. He isn't a huge meat eater, so he eats a lot of veg and fish instead. He doesn't like to be restricted either. 

He's not a mamas boy nor a daddy's boy, he is most definitely both. He loves to snuggle with us, giving lots of hugs an kisses. He likes 'duvet days' where we munch on anything we like and watch movies all day in our pj's. He's sleeping partly in his own room and bed, but almost always ends up with us in ours before the night is through. 

I'm forever amazed at how far he has come, how smart he really is and gorgeous my boy is. I can't believe how fast the last year and a bit have gone. I spend all day every day with him and I love every minute of it. Without him I would be absolutely no where. 

He's my sunshine no matter the weather. He makes me smile when I'm down. He makes me laugh when I'm grumpy. He makes me whole! 

Phoenix, I am always going to be there for you. I will support you in everything you do and I will follow your lead on everything you want to do. You are growing into a handsome, smart and funny gentleman and I am beyond proud of you. I love you more than you could ever imagine!

Happy 17 months baby boy! 

Bambino is 3 years old!

Since the last time i did a good update, Bambino has turned three. An entire three years has passed since we gave birth to our beautiful little angel. 

We got her a few little presents and planned to go visit her in the baby garden. I was terrified, it had been almost 7/8 months since I had been due to things happening in our personal lives. 

Myself, Karl and Karl's mother went together. It took a lot for me to finally get out of the car and visit her little place. Once I eventually got to her, I was fine. I'm not really sure what I was scared of, but I feel like that every time we go to visit her. 

Because it had been a while since we last went she had become quite overgrown. Some of her little ornaments had become entangled with weeds and grass, and some of them had yet again been damaged by the groundskeepers at the cemetery.

We cleaned her up, deweeded her and cleaned her ornaments. We took home the damaged ones and put her new presents down. 

We let Karl's mother spend a few moments with her to sing to her and then she left me and Karl alone with her. I broke down, I miss her so much and I love her even more. So much so, it hurts. I became inconsolable and my body started to ache and feel weak. I couldn't control myself, I just sobbed hard. My legs started to buckle underneath me. Luckily, I was with Karl and he had a firm hold on me. We spoke to her, an about her. We told her we would be back soon and that we loved her a lot, and missed her too. We finally said our goodbyes and Karl helped me to the car. 

The day of her birthday is always the hardest, I never got to plan my baby's first birthday. Instead I planned her funeral. I always feel numb and want to just sleep the day away because I don't know how I am meant to deal with it all. 

We decided what our plans are for her little grave. We can't afford a head stone or surround so we have decided on making her a surround from some wooden decking. We are going to paint it and place ladybugs and sunflowers all over. We are going to put red and yellow glass pebbles to help with the prevention of weeds and I make we look pretty. We chose sunflowers because they always remind me of happiness and the sun. We chose the ladybugs because whenever we have visited her she has always had millions of ladybugs on her grave.

Anyway, I can't believe it's been three years. It still feels like only yesterday I was birthing her and preparing to hold my angel for the first time. I remember her tiny little features so clearly. I miss her so much! 

HAPPY THREE YEARS BABY GIRL! Sleep peacefully, I love you always.

Recent life updates.

Well, a lot has happened since I first made this blog. Both good and bad, but I'm going to choose to focus on the good! 

We have been trying to move for three years from the flat that we were in. It was so small, ideal for one person alone not three. We had viewed multiple places and attempted to go through with a few but lady luck was just not on our side. 

I'm usually very skeptical, but as long as I lived in that flat and more so since we have left, I have been thinking that the place itself was jinxed. From the moment we moved into that place, everything went up in the air and came crashing back down awfully fast and hard. 

We had a flood of over 5.5ft of water two weeks after moving in resulting in loses of over 4k and a water bill that was through the roof. We lost our daughter at that flat. We had both the flat and our vehicles vandalised numerous times. We fell out with family members that we were extremely close to to begin with. We were harassed and attacked over social networking sites. I was stalked and abused. The list goes on. 

Anyway, we found another house on the market. It wasn't the most gorgeous house to look at, it wasn't the larger but it was perfect for us. We booked a viewing and went of to see it. The house had three times the space of the flat, a huge garden, parking, was in the location we wanted, amazing schools within walking distance and my fave part was Phoenix would have his own room. 

We had a social worker for a while too, she was helping us move. All we had to do was find a property and let her know and she would do the rest. We decided to go for the house, it was worth one more try at least. 

We had our fair share of problems whilst trying to get the house. Things were going wrong in every direction and it was as if we just weren't meant to leave the horrid flat. Eventually, thanks to both family and our support worker, things worked out for the good. We got the house! Yay. 

We signed the tenancy, picked up the keys and started moving things on Friday 27th September. I had not been that excited for a long time, it all felt so surreal. On the Sunday we gave back the keys to flat, that was the biggest relief. 

So, we've been frantically unpacking and trying to settle in to the new home. Phoenix' routine was all over the place at the flat due to incidents outside. Being here has somehow managed to correct it. He sleeps in his own room, in his own bed. He eats more than he did. He's happier and so on.

Things finally feel as though they're looking up for us, I feel more relaxed and happy and so does my family. Since moving in I haven't had one single panic attack and my depression already feels a heap better. 

Yay for us. 

Lack of posts.

This blog has been lacking in posts recently, to say the least. I vow to change that and post more regularly.

More often than not I use tumblr.com as my main blogging platform. I'm not sure if many of you have used it but there is a 'tight knit' community amongst many who have named themselves mumblrs. From the outside, this community looks desirable, that is almost the way it is most of the time too. Once you start becoming more open and posting more of your parenting choices and views within this community, things start to get ugly. 

I've found that recently there is more drama and cyber bullying that surrounds this community than the support and friendship that you initially assume. I personally, have grown sick and tired of it. 

I wanted somewhere I could post frequently with my personal photographs and updates. Somewhere I could find friends with similar interests and circumstances. Somewhere I could find support if needed. The majority ruin this. I have found a few lovely women amongst the terrors that are just lovely through and through, but the bad outweigh the good unfortunately. 

So, here I am. I have chosen to 'wean' myself from tumblr and make use of this blog and see how this community becomes. Hopefully it will cater more to my needs and wants than my first choice.