Bambino is 3 years old!

Since the last time i did a good update, Bambino has turned three. An entire three years has passed since we gave birth to our beautiful little angel. 

We got her a few little presents and planned to go visit her in the baby garden. I was terrified, it had been almost 7/8 months since I had been due to things happening in our personal lives. 

Myself, Karl and Karl's mother went together. It took a lot for me to finally get out of the car and visit her little place. Once I eventually got to her, I was fine. I'm not really sure what I was scared of, but I feel like that every time we go to visit her. 

Because it had been a while since we last went she had become quite overgrown. Some of her little ornaments had become entangled with weeds and grass, and some of them had yet again been damaged by the groundskeepers at the cemetery.

We cleaned her up, deweeded her and cleaned her ornaments. We took home the damaged ones and put her new presents down. 

We let Karl's mother spend a few moments with her to sing to her and then she left me and Karl alone with her. I broke down, I miss her so much and I love her even more. So much so, it hurts. I became inconsolable and my body started to ache and feel weak. I couldn't control myself, I just sobbed hard. My legs started to buckle underneath me. Luckily, I was with Karl and he had a firm hold on me. We spoke to her, an about her. We told her we would be back soon and that we loved her a lot, and missed her too. We finally said our goodbyes and Karl helped me to the car. 

The day of her birthday is always the hardest, I never got to plan my baby's first birthday. Instead I planned her funeral. I always feel numb and want to just sleep the day away because I don't know how I am meant to deal with it all. 

We decided what our plans are for her little grave. We can't afford a head stone or surround so we have decided on making her a surround from some wooden decking. We are going to paint it and place ladybugs and sunflowers all over. We are going to put red and yellow glass pebbles to help with the prevention of weeds and I make we look pretty. We chose sunflowers because they always remind me of happiness and the sun. We chose the ladybugs because whenever we have visited her she has always had millions of ladybugs on her grave.

Anyway, I can't believe it's been three years. It still feels like only yesterday I was birthing her and preparing to hold my angel for the first time. I remember her tiny little features so clearly. I miss her so much! 

HAPPY THREE YEARS BABY GIRL! Sleep peacefully, I love you always.